The Thirteen Days of an OR Christmas

I am not only a blog writer, I write OR parodies.

I’ve written 8.

These are most likely to be parodies of children’s books.

Auntie Allis Doesn’t Live Here Anymore- about an ill fated romance between a clamp and a retractor.

The 2,410 Things I Pick Up Off the Floor- a counting book.

Dr. Alexander and the No Good, Horrible, Very Bad Day- about a doctor who gets to work and his team is on vacation, his normal room has been usurped and he’s operating out of the janitor’s closet, his instruments have been replaced with safety scissors, and on and on.

The OR Sign Language book- about how outside the room communicates with the team in the room through the window in the door, or how the scrub tech and the circulator communicate without a word.

And more.

There was a store near me that you could go and make little books.

You could choose the cover, the font, everything.

These were best suited for pictures and therefore the parodies became picture books.

Taking all the pictures for all the various pages was hilarious and an evening shift project.

The make a book store closed and I have not found a reliable replacement.

But the one I wrote about the 12 days of Christmas has always been one of my favorites.

I had to keep in mind the original song and make sure the beats matched exactly.

And add in the asides after each verse that are mostly about what the OR experienced in each day.

I had to write about the 13th day and the aftermath of the abuse.

Just know that the name of the charge is Jack, Jack Ashe.

The Thirteen Days of the OR Christmas

Once there was a snowy Christmas , cold and snowy, snowy and cold. Nothing would be better than staying home under the covers with a good book and a cup of tea. But, of couse the patients made it to the hospital for their surgeries. J. Ashe, my charge nurse, assigned me to a different room each day. These are the my thirteen days of the OR Christmas.

Bah Humbug.

On the first day of Christmas, my charge nurse gave to me: a surgeon in a good mood. (Dr. Good Mood declined to be pictured for this book or even named as he doesn’t want to ruin his reputation among the other surgeons)

On the second day of Christmas, my charge nurse gave to me: two should scopes, and a surgeon in a good mood. (get out the hip waders)

On the third day of Christmas, my charge nurse gave to me : three appys, two shoulder scopes and a surgeon in a good mood. (this is not looking good)

On the fourth day of Christmas, my charge nurse gave to me: four cataracts, three appys, two shoulder scopes and a surgeon in a good mood. (at least the eyes are quick)

On the fifth day of Chrismas, my charge nurse gave to me: Five C-Sections, four cataracts, three appys, two shoulder scopes and a surgeon in a good mood. (babies, hurray!)

On the sixth day of Chirstmas, my charge nurse gave to me: Six bowel resections, 5 C-Sections, four cataracts, three appys, two shoulder scopes and a surgeon in a good mood. (this is not trending well)

On the seventh day of Christmas, my charge nurse gave to me: Seven hip revisions, 6 bowel resections, 5 C-Sections,  4 cataracts, 3 appys, two shoulder scopes and a surgeon in a good mood. (well, at least the surgeon is in a good mood)

On the eighth day of Christmas, my charge nurse gave to me: Eight Septoplasties, 7 hip revisions, 6 bowel resections,   5 C-Sections, 4 cataracts, 3 appys, 2 shoulder scopes and a surgeon in a good mood. (I must’ve been bad this year)

On the ninth day of Christmas, my charge nurse gave to me: Nine bladder tumors, 8 septoplasties, 7 hip revisions, 6 bowel resections, 5 C-Sections, 4 cataracts, 3 appys, 2 shoulder scopes and a surgeon in a good mood. (Santa, am I getting coal?)

On the tenth day of Christmas, my charge nurse gave to me: ten fractured ankles, 9 bladder tumors, 8 septoplasties, 7 hip revisions, 5 C-Sections, 4 cataracts, 3 appys, 2 shoulder scopes and a surgeon in a good mood. (Okay, who told Santa about that time at the holiday party?)

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my charge nurse gave to me: Eleven breast reductions, 10 fractured ankles, 9 bladder tumors, 8 septoplasties, 7 hip revisions, 6 bowel resections, 5 C-sections, 4 cataracts, 3 appys, 2 shoulder scopes and a surgeon in a good mood. (Or the time at the 4th of July picnic?)

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my charge nurse gave to me: Twelve carpal tunnels, 11 breast reductions, 10 fractured ankles, 9 bladder tumors, 8 septoplasties, 7 hip revisions, 6 bowel resections, 5 C-Sections, 4 cataracts, 3 appys, 2 shoulder scopes and a surgeon in a good mood. (Make it stop!)

On the thirteenth day of Christmas, my charge nurse gave to me: the day off. 

Yeah, right.

On the thirteenth day of Christmas, my charge nurse got from me: my resignation and a California birdie.

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