The post-it reads “The shortest surgeons are the biggest assholes.”
That could be the complete post right there. It is truth. If we have all decided that this is truth, we have to unpack it a bit.
The question remains what level of asshole.
Because, yes Virginia, there are levels to asshole. It is nearly Christmas and that IS a Christmas reference. It refers to the 1897 editorial where Virginia’s question is answered.
There is the instrument-throwing asshole. These are the ones who decide that the instruments are not up to snuff and they are tired of complaining about it. Hence, the throwing of the instruments. This is also one of the angrier assholes.
There is the globe-trotting asshole. These are the ones who absolutely, positively need to add on a case and the case has to be done as soon as possible because they have a plane to catch. Do they really? Or is that a handy excuse.
There is the gotta make dinner with the spouse asshole. These are the ones who swan up an hour late and try to get finished with surgery in time to meet their spouse at a restaurant. This is a close cousin to the globe-trotting asshole.
There is the deity’s gift to surgery. These are the ones who decided that the rules do not apply to them and they can absolutely jump the add-on line. After all, do you not know who they are?
There is the my father will hear about this asshole. These are the ones who followed in daddy’s footsteps and became a surgeon. They are a short step away from deity’s gift to surgery type but there are enough of them I decided they needed their own subcategory.
There is the operate on holidays because they are a miserable bastard asshole. Yes, I’ve worked with one of these. They were not religious and called us out on every, single holiday, especially Christmas. And 4th of July. And Memorial Day. And Labor Day. And President’s Day (this is a real holiday in California). And Thanksgiving. And New Year’s Eve. And New Year’s Day. Why they were on call every danged holiday, I don’t know. At least we were guaranteed call-back pay.
There is the too smart for this room asshole. These are the ones who are convinced that they are the smartest one in the room. We’ve all worked with this one. They delight in the “Well, actually” put down and mansplain or womansplain or theysplain the ENTIRE case.
Of course, there are exceptions to every one of these categories. Sometimes a short surgeon isn’t an asshole, sometimes a surgeon really does need to catch that flight, sometimes the spouse will leave them if they are late one more time because they have been taking care of patients, but sometimes they are just assholes. No matter their height.
Dispatches from the Evening Shift 