Today something a bit different. Yes, this is a message to myself that I wrote fourteen years ago, July 23, 2009. I want to react to it.
“Leaving the hospital with my chin down, my bag dragging the floor, my shoulders slumped, my feet heavy as I hike to my car. Again, the security car is not waiting for us 2300 people as we leave the building and walk to our cars in the dark. Maybe it’s me.
Maybe it’s me. Certainly, I’ve got a reputation around the hospital.
“Crap, Kathleen’s on call. Oh, well, I need the extra money.”
“Kathleen, you’ve got to tell me when you’re on call so I can avoid that weekend.”
“Kathleen, tell me you’re not on call tonight.”
Is there a color beyond black cloud? Because certainly I’m under it. Who’s cup of coffee did I befoul to deserve this? I’m sorry, okay? What kind of goat do I have to sacrifice to even it up a little?
Maybe it’s me but the last twelve days I’ve worked, we’ve worked balls to the walls until 2245, just in time to go home and not accrue overtime. Except the night I was on call, then we worked until 0230.
Maybe it’s me but the black cloud is following me even on days I’m not on call, as I’ve stayed late three times for my relief no-shows.
Maybe it’s me but the two nights a week I don’t work the OR is slow. Last week, some people even went home early.
Maybe it’s me but we seem to be working harder this month. It’s been so many days since I set up a room and actually finished my evening work that I’ve forgotten how.
Maybe it’s me but I’ve never had a weekend in which I worked less than fifteen hours.
Maybe it’s me but when I’m on call with certain people, forget it. We are bound to work. and work hard.
Maybe it’s me but I’m so tired of this. I know I should be thankful to even have a job, but, damn, it’s got to stop sometime.”
Me, current day:
Well, that was depressing.
Glad I finally learned when to put an apostrophe in it’s.
Current me always likes to read these snapshots of the past.
Look how far I’ve come.
I embraced the call and now it is all that I do. Well, mostly all.
I stopped caring about what other people think.
I came to learn that most surgeons love it when I am on call, and most of the CRNAs.
I think this was the July we did 5 lap appys a night, over 50 total for the entire month. No wonder I was tired.
Don’t forget to be kind to past you.
Dispatches from the Evening Shift 